Miles Away

Two more months have passed since I arrived to where I am now... Time has gone so quickly and I cannot seem to find a moment to myself, I really have to escape to be alone for a while.. And this has their good and their bad side. And while I am writing this my home phone is ringing.. there it is, my mom again to ask where I am and what I am going to do.. two minutes since we last spoke.

I feel as if my bubble exploded in my face, for a while I was longing and willing to change everything around me, and now that I have changed everything, literally, the only thing I wish is to go back to what I had before. Ironic. It leads me to the thought I wanted to express from the first word: Why is it that I feel miles away from the rest of people I know?

This might sound like the typical chant a sour bitter person will say, but everywhere I go I see people getting into new relationships, exciting times, marriages, babies.. evolution. I would love to allow myself to live my life diving into all those things. And I cannot. By any means I allow myself to do it.. why? Fear, insecurities, low self esteem.. I do not know and although I try to make the effort I cannot seem to be successful. 

The way I see myself is totally different to what the rest of the world see me as, and I feel sad for it. All the expectations I would like to meet, and here I am smiling and saying everything will come at the right time when I do not have a clue about my future.

I hope my views change, my way of thinking, my fears... I really need to try, even more.. to make it happen.

At the moment I still look at the bright side, or at least majority of the time. I am only scared it will come the day that does not happen anymore. I do not want to go back there.

New start

I don't know how many times I've tried to write a blog, or how many of them I have started and never continue to it.. I think it is time to make it happen.

It has been almost two months since I left London for good. I still don't realise I am not coming back. At least for the time being.. My last months living there were some kind of a whirlwind.. From the 3rd of January my life as I knew it changed and two months later I was back to what it is supposed to be home..

In those two months I had some rough times and other very sweet ones.. I think I'd rather stay with the sweet.

My 6 and a half years living there were like a roller coaster, fortunately I spent more time in the highs, meeting all sorts of people from which I learnt so much, having experiences I never thought I would have and definitely growing up in so many ways, I made myself in London.. My personality is now formed from what I have learnt there, it does not compare to anything else.. All my references changed when I started living on my own in a foreign city that made me what I am now.

I hope I took the right decision, I hope to have the courage to keep on looking on to my pathway as evolution, not as a step back otherwise these past years would be totally lost.

I think this is the time to make it happen.