Miles Away

Two more months have passed since I arrived to where I am now... Time has gone so quickly and I cannot seem to find a moment to myself, I really have to escape to be alone for a while.. And this has their good and their bad side. And while I am writing this my home phone is ringing.. there it is, my mom again to ask where I am and what I am going to do.. two minutes since we last spoke.

I feel as if my bubble exploded in my face, for a while I was longing and willing to change everything around me, and now that I have changed everything, literally, the only thing I wish is to go back to what I had before. Ironic. It leads me to the thought I wanted to express from the first word: Why is it that I feel miles away from the rest of people I know?

This might sound like the typical chant a sour bitter person will say, but everywhere I go I see people getting into new relationships, exciting times, marriages, babies.. evolution. I would love to allow myself to live my life diving into all those things. And I cannot. By any means I allow myself to do it.. why? Fear, insecurities, low self esteem.. I do not know and although I try to make the effort I cannot seem to be successful. 

The way I see myself is totally different to what the rest of the world see me as, and I feel sad for it. All the expectations I would like to meet, and here I am smiling and saying everything will come at the right time when I do not have a clue about my future.

I hope my views change, my way of thinking, my fears... I really need to try, even more.. to make it happen.

At the moment I still look at the bright side, or at least majority of the time. I am only scared it will come the day that does not happen anymore. I do not want to go back there.