Time for a change

End of 2012 was full of willingness, full of illusion for changing years.. To start a fresh new notebook, like when I was a child and the best thing of returning to school was having all those new pencils and books you could start using.. Like life would give you another brand new opportunity to be a new person, to start from scratch.

I felt like this a couple of days ago. It is amazing how many years it takes to change some habits, and how little time it takes for deciding something you want to achieve and start thinking how you are going to do it. The key is sticking to the idea like glue, otherwise you end up falling up to the old patterns again and finding yourself next December wondering where have all those months go.

I have decided, or mainly I have just recognise to myself that my purpose in life has always been give support to others. I did not have any big aspirations, professionally, and I had been all my life dreaming about being useful to other people being a nurse or a doctor but reality is I am not going to be all those things as it is too late now and I never tried enough.. Perhaps because I did not want it that much in the first place and so I never fought for it really hard, or because I have no talent whatsoever. I like to think the first option is the good one. ;)

So to explain my destiny discovery and not bore you too much I would say that in an attempt of fulfilling my dream of being useful I have spent most of my life giving time to others, much more than the time dedicated to myself. I never found my life very interesting, and was always involved in helping, caring and making others happy. Or at least I like to think so. 
The thing is I do not regret it at all. All people I have met are part of what I am now, and by trying to support others I have formed my personality. Also, I discovered recently, or to say it right, I have recognised to myself recently that I had a more selfish motivation, and that is LOVE. Receiving love back from every pleased person I could help in any way...

At the beginning I denied this to myself as I never thought I needed nice words, hugs, kisses and all forms of love that much. I was way to much stronger and independent, why would I need to be there even when I did not feel like it or did not want to only to get some love?
Then it went from love to necessity, it was like being on drugs. I could not stop and began to think that if I did not agree to everything people I cared proposed they will not love me as much. It was crazy. I began to count the times I would say no and there were hardly any. This was hard to digest, and now whilst I am writing it my heart aches as I realise once again how dumb I must have looked to others and more importantly to myself. I did not have any respect for myself, and had been treating my poor mind and body like trash.

I do regret that with all my heart. But one can only change things forward, huh?

That is why 2012 has been a bittersweet year. I changed jobs, city, flats, life... Everything. And I was alone for the first time in years. Alone in my hometown, with a family that did not have to get used to living there because that was already their life. With friends that already had formed new friends and had their own obviously. I really felt like an alien, completely out of place.

The sweet part was starting to get back on my feet. I was still weak, coming out of a state of mind difficult to explain, mentally exhausted and physically drained.. It was hard to get up every day to go to a new job, which was very demanding and sometimes really testing, especially because, like everything I chose to do in my life, I did not quite like it at the beginning. It was my colleagues that helped me go through and be an adult, at least I had a job in this difficult situation.
I was definitely going to be fine and though still I have my doubts and my head is divided between going away again or stay and try harder I could see some light at the end, one way or the other.

So now, starting my new notebook, my new blog I intend to use it often, to get time for myself, to care about me, to give love without expecting some more back, to care about people I love without displeasing myself all the time. To be me and hope everyone like it as it is. I do really feel like being me again, if I ever was.

Much Love.